Partnership parenting

Are there ways of bringing up children that will consistently (if not always!) lead to partnership characteristics such as non-violence, peacefulness, tolerance, caring, sharing, cooperation, gender equality and independence of mind? The answer from a massive amount of research is a clear ‘yes!’ And equally clear is the reverse message that dominator characteristics are associated with methods that cause stress or trauma in various forms.

Despite many changes, and with some exceptions such as Scandinavia, growing up in the modern western world is still a matter of learning dominator roles. There is strong gender differentiation from an early age. Most boys are taught, often with emotional, verbal or physical violence, to be little men: strong, tough, dominant, action oriented, insensitive, aggressive and violent. They get to play with guns, machines and war games, and dress in jeans and T-shirts. Most girls, on the other hand, get to wear frilly dresses and make-up, and play with dolls. They rapidly learn, also often with violence, that women are submissive, passive, weak, soft, nurturing, and empathic.

It is apparent from comparisons between cultures and extensive research on child-rearing that these are learned traits, not innate gender differences. This is also clear from the fact that many men today are voluntarily taking on the nurturing, child-rearing and home-making roles, and choosing ‘women’s’ careers such as nursing. And women are becoming truck drivers, construction workers, engineers, corporate managers and politicians.

So ... if we want our children to grow up to create a partnership world, how should we go about it? I believe the essential points are:
•    Start before conception!
•    Consistent loving care that meets the child’s needs;
•    Freedom that enables the child to achieve her goals within emotionally and physically safe limits;
•    Discipline based on reason, explanation and distraction rather than punishment;
•    Early assignment of responsibility;
•    Toys, games and entertainment that encourage peaceful cooperation; and
•    Modelling of partnership behaviours by adults.

Before birth

Most research on child-rearing has focused on the time after birth, but there is increasing evidence that birth, pre-birth and even pre-conception experiences are important. These ideas are no longer limited to the alternative, New Age movement, but are emerging from reputable mainstream science as described by Bruce Lipton in The Biology of Belief. Not only can life before birth predispose us to a variety of physical diseases such as heart, stroke, diabetes, obesity, and osteoporosis, but also it can affect mood disorders and psychoses.

It is not surprising that the emotional state of the mother affects foetal development since they share the same blood supply. If your mother was stressed and her system constantly flooded with adrenaline, so was yours, and your development was stunted accordingly. And if your mother smoked, drank, took dope or other toxins, these also affected you. These experiences, it is now clear, programme the subconscious mind so that we come into the world with ready-formed and deep-seated beliefs about life and survival. And it is not just the mother who is responsible. The father, family and friends are also implicated since their support, or lack of it, and relationships with the mother are major factors in her state of mind and well-being. It is now possible with ultra-sound scanning to watch the foetus react when its parents quarrel!

Bruce Lipton quotes Verny on the importance of the experience in the womb (from Verny and Weintraub, Pre-parenting: Nurturing your child from conception):

In fact, the great weight of the scientific evidence that has emerged over the last decade demands that we reevaluate the mental and emotional abilities of unborn children. Awake or asleep, the studies show, they are constantly tuned in to their mother’s every action, thought and feeling. From the moment of conception, the experience in the womb shapes the brain and lays the groundwork for personality, emotional temperament, and the power of higher thought.

Far more surprising for many of us are the findings on pre-conception influences. Bruce Lipton cites recent research that “In the final stages of egg and sperm maturation, a process called genomic imprinting adjusts the activity of specific groups of genes that will shape the character of the child yet to be conceived. ... Research suggests that what is going on in the lives of the parents during the process of genomic imprinting has a profound influence on the mind and body of their child.” And quoting Verny again: “It makes a difference whether we are conceived in love, haste or hate, and whether the mother wants to be pregnant ... parents do better when they live in a calm and stable environment free of addictions and supported by family and friends.”

Even more radical are the theories of Grant McFetridge of the Institute for the Study of Peak States. He believes that the effects go right back to the time when our mother’s eggs are developing while she is still a foetus in our grandmother’s womb.

Challenging stuff!

Loving care

Infants in peaceful societies get lots of attention and fondling, and cry little because their needs are met immediately. Often, they are carried everywhere, and are in constant physical contact with their mothers. By their very presence, warm, caring, empathic parents demonstrate that the world is a benevolent, safe place, thus boosting their children’s self-confidence. This confidence, coupled with the example of loving behaviour, facilitates the development of independent, caring children who feel safe in reaching out to others. By contrast, when a child’s needs – whether emotional or physical - are not met promptly, it becomes frustrated, angry and potentially aggressive. Gentle touch, encouragement and affection also help release ‘feel-good’ hormones that not only enhance emotional and mental well-being, but also stimulate brain development and strengthen the ability to control aggressive impulses.

Children don’t need to be looked after by their parents all the time, but it is important that they know and trust their carers. Consistent caring leads to confidence and trust in the world, whereas inconsistency results in dependency, and a need for approval. Extended families and small communities where child care is shared by all adults work well in this regard. But even highly-skilled professional child-care is less good because the relatively large number of children per carer leads to less intimate relationships. Children also become distressed when personnel change.

Orphans raised in institutions and children with cold, rejecting parents tend to become hostile, and their emotional development is stunted. Deprivation of loving care for the first 3 years can lead to permanent temper, aggression, social withdrawal and inability to form close relationships. Early stress (ie trauma) stunts brain development, and is associated with problems such as attention deficit, hyperactivity, anxiety and destructive behaviour. However, over-protectiveness has undesirable effects too, resulting in conformity rather than independence.

From these studies it is clear that western practices often encourage aggression and violence. We still often separate mother and child for long periods soon after birth; expect the infant to sleep in a different room, let alone a different bed; try to synchronise feeding with our schedules rather than the needs of the baby; limit physical contact to feeding, cleaning and play times; and so on.

Freedom within bounds

Aggressive behaviour is linked to frustration of needs, goals and desires, and may be associated with a sense of powerlessness and vulnerability. Hence, in order to minimize aggression it is important not only to meet needs for love and care, but also to provide the freedom and resources that enable children to achieve their legitimate, acceptable personal goals. However, children need to learn that they can’t do anything they choose, and to inhibit aggressive responses. They must learn to consider the needs of others as well as themselves, and that some things are dangerous.

Partnership parenting seeks to provide this bounded freedom. Sometimes called authoritative, it is not only warm and responsive but also firm and directive. It treats children seriously as independent people whose feelings, preferences and questions matter. It explains the reasons for limits, encourages understanding of the needs of others, and diverts attention away from inappropriate desires rather than simply imposing rules. Partnership parents try to balance the needs and rights of adults and children, and to provide firm control when necessary without hemming the child in. The resulting independence of mind is important in resisting charismatic dominating leaders and peer pressure.

By contrast, the offspring of controlling and coercive (ie authoritarian) parents tend to be frustrated and aggressive. Children of permissive parents who are warm but lax also tend to be aggressive because such behaviour is not actively discouraged. To the child, the absence of limits may appear as indifference, or a lack of love. Strong outward aggression is produced by permissive, rejecting and punitive parenting, such as when children are allowed with indifference to do as they please most of the time, punctuated by occasional explosions of anger. By contrast, children of controlling and rejecting parents tend to direct their aggression inwards at themselves.

Discipline

Bounded freedom obviously needs to be enforced at times when the child’s desires are dangerous or inappropriate. However, peaceful societies and partnership parents rarely use physical punishment, preferring to tolerate, laugh at, or divert the unwanted behaviour. They allow a certain amount of verbal give and take, and praise and encourage good behaviour. They take the time to reason with the child, and help to develop empathy by explaining the effects of hurtful behaviour. But it is not good enough to follow the old dictum “Do as I say, not as I do.” Success depends on living the values espoused. In these ways, discipline is embedded in a warm, nurturing, and empathic learning environment.

It is notable that most peaceful societies and partnership parents believe in the inherent goodness of children. Hence they aim to draw out the best, rather than beat out the worst. By contrast, belief in original sin, or a similar doctrine, often leads to the idea that ‘sparing the rod spoils the child.’ There is abundant evidence that children who are spanked are more likely to be aggressive. Harsh discipline demonstrates that might is right, and teaches the domination and submission roles of the dominator society. Discipline based on power or withdrawal of love can get conformity in the short term, but it discourages internalization of the desired norms and values. Being good comes to be equated with obedience, and the objective becomes to avoid being caught.

Responsibility

If children are to learn to be part of a cooperative family or community, they need to take real, significant roles in the life of the whole group from an early age. This happens naturally in traditional societies where children are part of the economic unit - cleaning the floor, or looking after the hens, or making other useful contributions. When coupled with praise and encouragement, early responsibility increases self-confidence and independence, as well as cooperation and caring.

Such roles have disappeared from western society, and are often regarded as exploitation. But the reality is that children need to have genuine and appropriate ways of being integral parts of the whole. Many people have argued the need for a reintegration of children into family and community life, including the workplace. Children’s roles should be ‘real’ and not invented ‘make work’. Nor should they be imposed duties under authoritarian control. They should include tasks that are genuinely important and that require judgement, decision and risk. This means that parents and other adults must trust the child, refraining from following up, and being willing to accept occasional failures without discipline.

Research in schools shows that children respond well to responsibilities such as caring for or tutoring younger children, deciding in groups how best to achieve learning goals, keeping their classroom clean and tidy, and even working out standards of behaviour and means of discipline. But again, this needs to be combined with genuine autonomy, for example in how they want their classroom to look.

Choice of toys and games

For decades, the tobacco industry denied and obfuscated the evidence that smoking kills. Oil and other interests still deny the evidence for climate change and block effective action. And in a similar way, the media deny the overwhelming evidence that violent TV shows, films and computer games feed violence in the real world, whereas peaceful and cooperative ones have beneficial effects. More radical critiques point out that all films, TV and computer games reduce time given to human relationships and the learning that comes from the experience of real games, cooperative activities, arguments and other interactions.

The evidence is clear that if we want children to grow up peaceful, cooperative and caring we should choose activities that pit the child against herself or her environment, not against others; and that require cooperation rather than individualism or competition. However, the chosen toys and games must meet other needs for excitement, physical action, challenge, controlled danger and the chance to imitate important adult activities. However, the power of the media and peer pressure is such that it is very difficult for partnership parents and alternative schools always to choose appropriate toys, games and equipment. I well remember that when I refused to buy my young son a toy gun, he went and made his own!

In the classroom, research shows that cooperation rather than competition amongst students improves learning and achievement, particularly where student teams have responsibility for working out how best to carry out the assigned task. The social skills learned through interaction also enhance self-esteem, and encourage trust, sensitivity, communication, caring and sharing. Similarly, course materials such as reading practice can be chosen to reinforce partnership values and behaviours.

By contrast, toy weapons and war games encourage violent play. And they teach children that these are normal parts of life, and that violence is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts. Less well-known is the fact that competitive sports also have negative effects. There is a common belief that taking part in, or watching, competitive sports discharges an aggressive drive, thus reducing aggression afterwards. However, the evidence suggests the reverse: such activities reinforce aggressive behaviours and reduce learned inhibitions against them. For example, people are less caring and sharing after watching a football match than after watching gymnastics.

As Buddhists express it, the mental seeds that grow are the ones we water. If we water aggression and violence, greed and competition through books, films and games, these are the characteristics that will grow. Conversely, if we water the seeds of love, peace and cooperation, they are the ones that will grow.

Modeling of partnership behaviours

This key point hardly needs elaboration. It is not enough to preach partnership relationships, we must live them to the best of our ability. Indeed, the inconsistency of ‘do as I say, not as I do’ is often a source of confusion and stress (or trauma) for children, producing negative effects.

Conclusions

The evidence indicates that the right methods of child-rearing and education can greatly enhance the development of partnership personality traits and behaviours. The most important requirement is a loving relationship with parents and other adults through which needs are met as they arise, and restrictions are imposed as necessary for the well-being of the child. Discipline should be firm, but based on explanation and reason, not force. As far as possible, children should be given meaningful and responsible roles in the adult world. Toys, games and entertainments should be chosen to encourage cooperation, caring and sharing rather than competition and individualism.

By contrast, the methods that lead to dominator characteristics are all ones that cause distress, stress, or trauma in one form or another. In other words, it appears that aggressive, dominating, violent relationships and behaviour result when the needs and desires of the child are not met appropriately.

A clear conclusion is that training for parenthood and the reform of education are priorities in the struggle to create a better future. But reforming child-rearing is not sufficient for several reasons. First, these cannot prevent or heal traumas experienced at birth or in the womb. Similarly, a lot of trauma is accidental and unavoidable, but may nevertheless divert personal development towards the dominator track.

A second issue is a matter of time. Parenthood training and educational reform cannot be introduced overnight, and in the meanwhile the next generation of children will continue to be traumatized. And even with training and the best will in the world, traumatized parents will still damage their children unless their own trauma is healed first. With hindsight, I can see this in my own family. And I believe this is what the Bible means when it speaks of the sins of the fathers being visited upon the children.

In other words, a partnership society will take generations to evolve in this way, and I’m not sure we have that much time before civilization self-destructs. Effective, rapid and widely available means of healing both individual and collective trauma are needed.


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